I Guess He is Alive May 21, 2008Posted by only4now in Depression, doubts, Pain.
I pick up my phone and check the date that he called me last:Febuary 03 at 9:28pm. He seemed to be in a fairly good mood… But he chastised me for not calling him for so long. He told me that I had let him down. It sounded like he was ribbing me. I must have missed the pain he was feeling.
Since then, I have tried numerous times to call him and he lets it roll to his voice mail…
It is not that I purposesly waited to call him before. I had to make myself set the phone down on many occasions. I felt like I was smothering him. No grown child needs to hear from his Mom all the time.
He was supposed to come visit in February. He was supposed to come live with me in March…. But, he no longer takes my calls. He no longer answers my emails…
I want him to know that I love and miss him so much that my heart is ripping from me…
I need him to know how important he is to me… How much his happiness means to me…
I don’t care if he lives here. Did I pressure him too much to move home? Is he still suffering from the nightmares of his past?
I would give EVERYTHING to go back and erase the things that have hurt him so deeply.
But for now, I will continue to see that he has opened my emails… and I will know he is alive.
…And I will keep it together… Just in case one day he needs me again.
I am here… February 19, 2008Posted by only4now in alive, Depression, doubts, Optimism.
Sort of… at least I think I am here. I am a bit fuzzy. Week two back on my meds. That is a good thing. I was spiralling out of control and refusing to help myself.
The harder I tried to laugh on the outside and joke with people, the more I cried on the inside.
Anyway, I am levelling off, I think. Personally, I feel 150mg of Effexor is too strong for me.
But, I am giving it another shot.
Emotional Vacations January 28, 2008Posted by only4now in Depression, doubts, Senseless acts.
I took a vacation from reality it seems. It was a decision to shut out everything and everyone for fear of falling any deeper.
I must apologize to PA (I will stop by your blog and do that there as well) Yes, I was sending out an SOS of sorts to you. But, when you responded, I was too far gone. I no longer had the will to try… I could not read or post.
Only yesterday did I start to come out of this one. I know I need to go back to the doctor. My episodes are coming more frequently and are progressively darker. The only good to come of it, is I am now learning to recognize some of the triggers.
My last post was… deep, but just the edge of the canyon in which I fell. Friday I was a complete wreck and had absolutely no business outside of my home. I was overcome with fits of paranoia, despair, depression, anger, (even to the point of feeling hatred)
Let me try and describe my actions:
I flipped off my neighbor but I am not sure if he saw me do it. My husband was shocked and asked what that was all about. (I next to never show anything but a smile to those around me) I responded, “He is a piece of shit and I am tired of pretending otherwise.”
While it is true that he is a thief, and I detest him. I would never, in a normal semblance of mindset, shown such emotional anger.
I refuse to talk with a cousin who would like to go into business with me. I have decided that we can not work together because I do not approve of the way she treats (uses) her boyfriend.
Again, this is not like me. I do not make a practice of judging others in their relationships.
I broke down in the hardware store. I was upset that the self-scanning register kept giving me a error message. The third time the error message came up, I lost it. The lady was sweet to me. I know she could see that I was totally out of it. She began rubbing my shoulder and telling me it was OK, while I blabbered that I chose the self-scan register because I didn’t want to talk with anyone today. Now I have to talk to people and I don’t want to talk to people.
She told me, “Baby, stand right here beside me and let me take care of it for you.”
I just wanted to leave the store… She insisted I stay there and she continued to calm me down with her soothing prattle. Stepping out into the cool air, I regained some composer.
But, I still had no business outside of the house. The office was closed down for the day and I decided I would go in and work by myself for awhile. Pulling into the parking lot, I flew into a rage because a coworker was already there. I was furious that he was there when I needed to be alone.
I turned around and went to the grocery store. I wandered up and down the aisles for a couple hours. Only putting a few things in my cart. It was pretty much a blur. I did strike up a silly conversation with the Miller Lite Girls. They gave me a prize for knowing a trivia question. I felt sorry for them. Stuck in the back of the store, stopping people to ask them questions about football trivia. People were trying to avoid being stopped. So, I walked right up to them and offered a friendly face. I am now the recipient of a silly plastic watch. But, it made me feel good to see them smile.
I then maneuvered thru traffic which seemed to be grinding to a halt. NO… I simply could not deal with a traffic nightmare in my current mindset. I was drowning. How do I even begin to explain how something so innocent could push me completely out of my mind for a while?
I cut thru a large parking lot, desperate to get home, desperate to not feel trapped. Standing between me and clear roads was a group of teenage boys. They were right in the center of the drive-thru area.
In a clear-state of mind I would have tapped on the horn or even waited patiently for them to notice that I needed to get past them.
However, I am ashamed to say that I did not do either. I placed one foot on the brake and the other on the gas and revved my engine. My car lurched forward a couple feet and they jumped out of the way rather quickly. Some darting to the left, some to the right. However one young man, looking rather panicked, just stared at me with his eyes open wide.
I remember feeling rage and throwing my hands in the air in exasperation. “Right or Left!” I screamed (but, I don’t think the words came out of my mouth.)
He stepped out of the way and I sped off, like I was fleeing a tornado. I made it home without killing anyone or myself and layed on the kitchen floor and sobbed. I was totally drained, emotionally and physically. Although it was never my intention, I could have killed someone.
That scares the crap out of me.
Trust January 15, 2008Posted by only4now in abuse, betrayal, Depression, doubts, lies, spousal abuse, Trust.
Today is a very low day for me. I don’t even know what to say, or how to put it in words.
My husband is lying to me. I know it and I believe he knows that I know… and it is going to be ugly tonight when I go home. I have a couple choices to make.
1.) I can confront him and let him “explain” his actions and lies. He will then proceed to twist this all around and make me the bad person. He will bring up anything and everything that he has ever thought I have done wrong. (mostly imaginary stuff that he saves for repeated arguments) You know, that I have cheated on him, which is a complete lie. Or, that I have been spending money behind his back, again a complete lie.
He will accuse me of looking at the neighbor in a provocative manner. He will bring up a guy I was dating years ago when the two of us first met. He will accuse me of sleeping with co-workers.
Basically, when he is thru trashing me, I will want to die. At this point it is not much of a push to bring me to that point anyway. As it now stands, I am not self harming directly… What I am doing instead is making myself available to harm by others. I have stopped locking the office building when I am here by myself. I no longer lock my car doors or even wear a seat belt. The house is basically left wide open.
I purposely antagonise people who piss me off hoping one of them will just ‘do something.’
Fuck, I just don’t care.
Back to my husband…
My other choice is to put my crappy fake smile on and again ACT like everything is ok. Pretend that I am oblivious to his lies and wait for another manic wave to lift me out of the shit hole in which I am now dwelling.
I don’t drink often… but, tonight I am going home and getting plowed
Ha, I just looked at the title that I picked and realized that I was going to write about something completely different.
I suppose I could add: I don’t trust him! (now the title does not need to be changed)
Diary of a Demented Snow Shoveler January 9, 2008Posted by cavmom in I should be working, Laughter, Why I live in the South.
I am here. Sort-of. It has been a crazy week. I will make an honest post as soon as I get a few free moments to collect the jumbled thoughts. I also want to share my new project! For now, enjoy the funny posted below:
(Received from my Sister-in-law)
December 8, 6:00 PM
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry-
we’ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man, I’m glad he’s our neighbor. December 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so. December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think
that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska , after all.
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own livingroom.
Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of the dang stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all
day. The snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it’s so cold, it probably won’t melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to go to the bathroom. By the time I got undressed, made a visit to the bathroom and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he’s too busy. I think he’s is lying.
Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!! Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she’s lying.
6 inches – Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch that snowplow driver, I’ll drag him through the snow by his hair and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I’ve just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the snowplow.
Merry Christmas! 20 more inches of the slop tonight – Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s a fricking idiot. If I have to watch “It’s A Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to stuff her into the microwave.
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he
only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. She is driving me crazy!!!
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his rearend. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.
I set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling.
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
I Have Layers… January 4, 2008Posted by only4now in clogged plumbing, cursing, I should be working, Laughter, Layers of me, period.
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I love that line! It is even more amusing when uttered with a different accent or crazed look on my face each time. Each layer representing a different mood, a different aspect, a different point in my life (which may change daily, hourly, or even before you get a chance to blink).
The majority of my posts here have been rather depressing. This was to be my place to ‘dump’ some of the uglies that creep thru my ‘layers’.
I also have a couple, ok 4, other blogs that I post on.
On one blog I am the Cheer Leader, Supportive Mom ~ Handing out hugs and band-aides, offering informative bits of news… Very prim and proper. (a blog in which I could send my parents over to read)
Another blog I am sarcastically witty (at least in my mind), attacking annoying nuances in the news and in my day to day plodding thru life.
Another blog I, well… I post whatever I am feeling, with reckless abandonment to the shock of those who stop in. It is crass, sometimes disgusting, never censored bits and pieces of me.
Each blog is a layer. Although none are false, none paint a complete picture of my slightly-twisted self. A self with whom I am quite content with today. Today is a good day.
I shared this with PA yesterday and was going to leave it alone. However, today I decided I would share a bit of my crass humor.
WARNING: If you are easily offended by off color humor about body functions, or have a sensitivity to vulgar language ~ You need to go ahead and step away from the blog.
Today, you get to see a a different layer, a side of me that is written when I am am at an almost level state. Be afraid…. hahahahahahahaa (yes, that is evil laughter)
Well, This is my morning:First of all, I am on my period. I know, too much info. About a week ago I had to call the plumber to come to the office to unstop the toilet in the ladies room. This is the second time in 3 months. It just so happens that there are only two women here. Me and a 73 year old. So it is safe to say, when he pulled out the tampons that were plugging up the pipe, they had to be mine.I know … too much information… (yet, I continue………..)Now keep in mind, the owner of the company is an opinionated little old Italian man. We go back and forth all the time. Right in front of the plumber, he exclaims “Women! What the hell do they put in the commode?”
The plumber is a family friend of mine. He is trying to smooth things over. But, the boss keeps going on and on. Finally, the boss said “Put a sign above the commode. I want nothing to go down these drains but shit.”
I am trying my best not to laugh at him… But, I fail. Instead I put up a sign that reads, “Please do not put paper products in the toilet.”
Fast forward to yesterday:
I am Jonesing chocolate really bad. So, I take care of my cravings by scarfing a pound of peanut M&Ms. (Isn’t that what a person is supposed to do when faced with menstrual cravings?) My period is a major bitch and if the bitch wants chocolate, I drown her in the shit.
Well, I just happen to be developing new allergies all the time. Certain foods make me itch like a som’a’bitch. I am not sure if it is the food dye, the nuts, or something else… But, so help me; If I have developed an allergy to chocolate, my hubby has orders to shoot me and bury me in the back yard.
Move to today:
I have popped a Benadryl to combat the itchies and I am a tad bit woozy. I am sitting on the toilet in the ladies room at work, trying my best to remove my tampon, when the damn thing slips from my fingers and falls in the water. Shit, Fuck, and Damn.
I fish it out, wrap it in paper towels and toss it in the trash… All the while thinking, “I should leave this on my boss’s desk.”
Go ahead and laugh, I am! Better than crying. Men…
New Years ~yada-yada-yada January 2, 2008Posted by only4now in Endorphins, Laughter, New years resolutions, Optimism.
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I am not going to lie and tell anyone that I made any resolutions. I have made some ‘decisions’ to better my life. I know that ‘resolve’ and ‘decide’ are similar, but they are indeed different.
Resolve is merely a statement of formal intent (intent being the key word) Whereas decide is to arrive at a solution. The first offers an excuse for failure before beginning as it is just a connotation to be tossed aside (as is the fashion with resolutions).
And a decision shows determination to actually come to a conclusion.
I know it can all be conceived as a play on words… But, I am decisive. I have power to win over the weakness in my mind. (sounds good right?)
I am exercising. Not to get back into the tiny little clothes I wore way back when. Nor am I exercising to look ‘hot’ with the Spring season just around the corner.
I am exercising because the endorphin release gives off an amazing high. I might even look into some of the other claimed endorphin sources… Chocolate, laughter, hot peppers, and even sex.
Yes, this years ‘decisions’ will be manageable!
Protective Coating January 2, 2008Posted by only4now in abuse, betrayal, Depression, doubts, Pain, spousal abuse, Trust.
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He scratched thru the layers of protective coating in which I surround myself. The protective coating which stops me from feeling the pain and vulnerability.
So many times I have been hurt, that I developed a special shell to block out the pain. In so doing, I have become numb to many feelings. But, it makes it so much easier to put on the false smile and say, “Yes Sir” “No Sir” What can I do for you?”
Very rote, but very safe. I am no longer me, but I am no longer in pain.
Ya win some, ya lose some.
Well… Monday night he scratched thru the layers leaving me so very vulnerable. Let me retrace and see if any of this makes sense in writing.
A few years back I made a mistake. Innocent thinking on my part, but no excuse to him. His younger brother had been over the day before and left a few things at our house. On this day, Jeff was at work and I was home by myself, cleaning… basically puttering around, kind of a lazy day. His brother knocked on the door and asked to come in and get his things. This seemed innocent enough to me. Growing up, our home had an open door policy. Friends, family and neighbors came and went at will. We were very trusting.
Anyway, his brother got his things and left. I went back to cleaning, thinking nothing of the event. That evening when my hubby came home, he walked right up to me and punched me in the face. He then proceeded to beat me, while cursing me for being a slut. I remember begging him to stop, and then begging God to let me die.
The next morning he told me that if I ever let another man into our home again he would kill me. Later he told me that his brother said I answered the door in a sexy nightie and ‘came on’ to him.
I think the pain of him believing his brother over me was worse than the black eye and bruised ribs.
Trust is a major part of my life. I have learned to trust no one fully. I trust different people on different levels. And my Dad is the closest I will ever come to full trust. However, I am afraid to open up to him and have him think less of me. Crazy web I am tangled in.
Back to my brother-in-law ~ That was the first time in which he lied and I paid the price. On the second occasion, he stole something from my husband’s truck. Jeff was giving him a ride home and stopped for gas. When Jeff was inside paying, his brother removed the item from the glove compartment.
A couple days later my hubby asked if I had seen the missing item. Immediately I thought of his no-good brother and asked if he might have taken it. Jeff asked his brother, who promptly told him that I had given him the item. Without allowing me to defend the lie, Jeff came home and knocked me silly. This time I stood my ground and insisted we both go confront his brother. When asked again, with me in the same room, his brother admitted he had taken the item. Jeff then punched him and told me he would never have anything to do with his worthless brother again.
Over the next couple years I developed an intense hatred for that man. Anytime his name came up in a conversation I became ill. Slowly Jeff let him right back into his life (they are brothers after all… bs)
Fast forward to last week ~ His brother had called a couple of times, once to tell us that they had moved into our neighborhood. (SHIT) Another time to ask is he could make a few dollars washing my car. (HELL NO!) Then on New Year’s Eve he calls and talks with Jeff on the two-way radio. Hearing his actual voice made me nauseous and I got up and left the room.
The remainder of the night my emotions flipped back and forth between anger and pain. I felt like my husband had betrayed me by once again opening his arms to his brother.
Yesterday I could not take it any longer. His betrayal had broken thru the protective coating. I had to confront my husband, and ask him to at least make certain that I was not in the room when he is talking with his brother. He wanted to know why.
WHY? WHY? WHY? Why didn’t he already know the answer? Why was he making me tell him again? How could he forget?
He then told me that if my feelings were so strong against his brother, there must have been a lot more between the two of us and I needed to come clean. I became hysterical, shrieking at him. The pain was so acute that I could not stop until I was drained of energy.
This is all bizarre for me because I am very passive. I am so good about hiding my feelings. I do not crack…
Which brings me to today ~ Today I am about as low as I have felt in my life. I don’t feel suicidal. I just feel empty.
Slowly, I will repair the protective coating. Each time I rebuild my shell, it becomes thicker and tougher to penetrate. Perhaps one day, it will just be me… for I will have succeeded in forcing everyone else out.
What is really screwed up about my thought process ~ I am full of hatred for his brother for the lies, but not mad at my husband for hitting me. I am hurt that my hubby does not trust me enough to believe me over that piece of shit. Why am I not mad at him for what he does to me? Why do I need him to believe in me? This crap is so messed up. Why does my heart break every time I think of losing him? Why do I care?
SO and other Things- 2nd try December 28, 2007Posted by only4now in abuse, betrayal, Discipline, doubts, Music, Random thoughts, Sensory Overload, sexual abuse, Trust.
That don’t bother me at all.
Playing Solitaire till dawn,
With a deck of fifty-one.
Smoking cigarettes and watching Captain Kangaroo.
Now, don’t tell me I’ve nothing to do.
But I did come up with a song that I am very fond of at the moment. “The Reason” by Hoobastank. My son bought the Cd for me.I also enjoy “Right to be Wrong” by Joss Stone