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I Guess He is Alive May 21, 2008

Posted by only4now in Depression, doubts, Pain.
2 comments

I pick up my phone and check the date that he called me last:Febuary 03 at 9:28pm. He seemed to be in a fairly good mood… But he chastised me for not calling him for so long. He told me that I had let him down. It sounded like he was ribbing me. I must have missed the pain he was feeling.

Since then, I have tried numerous times to call him and he lets it roll to his voice mail…

It is not that I purposesly waited to call him before. I had to make myself set the phone down on many occasions. I felt like I was smothering him. No grown child needs to hear from his Mom all the time.

He was supposed to come visit in February. He was supposed to come live with me in March…. But, he no longer takes my calls. He no longer answers my emails…

I want him to know that I love and miss him so much that my heart is ripping from me…

I need him to know how important he is to me… How much his happiness means to me…

I don’t care if he lives here. Did I pressure him too much to move home? Is he still suffering from the nightmares of his past?

I would give EVERYTHING to go back and erase the things that have hurt him so deeply.

But for now, I will continue to see that he has opened my emails… and I will know he is alive.

…And I will keep it together… Just in case one day he needs me again.

I am here… February 19, 2008

Posted by only4now in alive, Depression, doubts, Optimism.
4 comments

Sort of… at least I think I am here. I am a bit fuzzy. Week two back on my meds. That is a good thing. I was spiralling out of control and refusing to help myself.

The harder I tried to laugh on the outside and joke with people, the more I cried on the inside.

Anyway, I am levelling off, I think. Personally, I feel 150mg of Effexor is too strong for me.

 But, I am giving it another shot.

Emotional Vacations January 28, 2008

Posted by only4now in Depression, doubts, Senseless acts.
2 comments

I took a vacation from reality it seems. It was a decision to shut out everything and everyone for fear of falling any deeper.

 I must apologize to PA (I will stop by your blog and do that there as well) Yes, I was sending out an SOS of sorts to you. But, when you responded, I was too far gone. I no longer had the will to try… I could not read or post.

Only yesterday did I start to come out of this one. I know I need to go back to the doctor. My episodes are coming more frequently and are progressively darker. The only good to come of it, is I am now learning to recognize some of the triggers.

My last post was… deep, but just the edge of the canyon in which I fell. Friday I was a complete wreck and had absolutely no business outside of my home. I was overcome with fits of paranoia, despair, depression, anger, (even to the point of feeling hatred)

Let me try and describe my actions:

I flipped off my neighbor but I am not sure if he saw me do it. My husband was shocked and asked what that was all about. (I next to never show anything but a smile to those around me) I responded, “He is a piece of shit and I am tired of pretending otherwise.”

While it is true that he is a thief, and I detest him. I would never, in a normal semblance of mindset, shown such emotional anger.

I refuse to talk with a cousin who would like to go into business with me.   I have decided that we can not work together because I do not approve of the way she treats (uses) her boyfriend.

Again, this is not like me. I do not make a practice of judging others in their relationships.

I broke down in the hardware store. I was upset that the self-scanning register kept giving me a error message. The third time the error message came up, I lost it. The lady was sweet to me. I know she could see that I was totally out of it. She began rubbing my shoulder and telling me it was OK, while I blabbered that I chose the self-scan register because I didn’t want to talk with anyone today. Now I have to talk to people and I don’t want to talk to people.

She told me, “Baby, stand right here beside me and let me take care of it for you.”

I just wanted to leave the store… She insisted I stay there and she continued to calm me down with her soothing prattle. Stepping out into the cool air, I regained some composer.

But, I still had no business outside of the house. The office was closed down for the day and I decided I would go in and work by myself for awhile. Pulling into the parking lot, I flew into a rage because a coworker was already there. I was furious that he was there when I needed to be alone.

I turned around and went to the grocery store. I wandered up and down the aisles for a couple hours. Only putting a few things in my cart. It was pretty much a blur. I did strike up a silly conversation with the Miller Lite Girls. They gave me a prize for knowing a trivia question. I felt sorry for them. Stuck in the back of the store, stopping people to ask them questions about football trivia. People were trying to avoid being stopped. So, I walked right up to them and offered a friendly face. I am now the recipient of a silly plastic watch. But, it made me feel good to see them smile.

I then maneuvered thru traffic which seemed to be grinding to a halt. NO… I simply could not deal with a traffic nightmare in my current mindset. I was drowning. How do I even begin to explain how something so innocent could push me completely out of my mind for a while?

I cut thru a large parking lot, desperate to get home, desperate to not feel trapped. Standing between me and clear roads was a group of teenage boys. They were right in the center of the drive-thru area.

In a clear-state of mind I would have tapped on the horn or even waited patiently for them to notice that I needed to get past them.

However, I am ashamed to say that I did not do either. I placed one foot on the brake and the other on the gas and revved my engine. My car lurched forward a couple feet and they jumped out of the way rather quickly. Some darting to the left, some to the right. However one young man, looking rather panicked, just stared at me with his eyes open wide.

I remember feeling rage and throwing my hands in the air in exasperation. “Right or Left!” I screamed (but, I don’t think the words came out of my mouth.)

He stepped out of the way and I sped off, like I was fleeing a tornado. I made it home without killing anyone or myself and layed on the kitchen floor and sobbed. I was totally drained, emotionally and physically. Although it was never my intention, I could have killed someone.

That scares the crap out of me.  

Trust January 15, 2008

Posted by only4now in abuse, betrayal, Depression, doubts, lies, spousal abuse, Trust.
6 comments

Today is a very low day for me. I don’t even know what to say, or how to put it in words.

My husband is lying to me. I know it and I believe he knows that I know… and it is going to be ugly tonight when I go home. I have a couple choices to make.

1.) I can confront him and let him “explain” his actions and lies. He will then proceed to twist this all around and make me the bad person. He will bring up anything and everything that he has ever thought I have done wrong. (mostly imaginary stuff that he saves for repeated arguments) You know, that I have cheated on him, which is a complete lie. Or, that I have been spending money behind his back, again a complete lie.

He will accuse me of looking at the neighbor in a provocative manner. He will bring up a guy I was dating years ago when the two of us first met. He will accuse me of sleeping with co-workers.

Basically, when he is thru trashing me, I will want to die. At this point it is not much of a push to bring me to that point anyway. As it now stands, I am not self harming directly… What I am doing instead is making myself available to harm by others. I have stopped locking the office building when I am here by myself. I no longer lock my car doors or even wear a seat belt. The house is basically left wide open.

I purposely antagonise people who piss me off hoping one of them will just ‘do something.’

Fuck, I just don’t care.

Back to my husband…

My other choice is to put my crappy fake smile on and again ACT like everything is ok. Pretend that I am oblivious to his lies and wait for another manic wave to lift me out of the shit hole in which I am now dwelling.  

I don’t drink often… but, tonight I am going home and getting plowed

Ha, I just looked at the title that I picked and realized that I was going to write about something completely different.

I suppose I could add: I don’t trust him! (now the title does not need to be changed)

Who Decides? January 10, 2008

Posted by only4now in alive, Discipline, Layers of me, metaphor, normal, Optimism, rambling, Random thoughts, remodeling, repair.
1 comment so far

What is ‘normal’? Is it as simple as black and white? We all know there are gray areas. But, how much gray is allowed to creep into one’s mind before the individual is labelled as abnormal?

Who set the standard in which we are evaluated? How ‘normal’ is/was this person? Basing my thesis (of sorts) on the assumption that there is not an actual perfect individual in which we can compare our own levels of inadequacies, from where are the guidelines coming?

Perhaps I am the perfect specimen (with all my idiosyncrasies) in which all others should be compared. Maybe it is you? Seriously, why not?

No, I don’t honestly think I am relatively close to perfect. But, I still want to know how it is determined what is and is not ‘correct’ in brain wave patterns, in serotonin levels, in quirky behavior?

Deep theological questions running rampant in my mind today. All because an individual caught me talking to myself. I often do this when I am multi-tasking to the max. Verbalizing a list of assignments helps me organize them in my head. Actually, I talk to myself on a regular basis, not so much vocally.

In fact, I find it hard to believe that anyone can get from point A to point B without giving themselves assignments, steps to follow. (talking to yourself – in your head)

When I believe I am alone, I often say what I am thinking aloud. Actually, it is more of a whisper. “Don’t forget to stop at the store on your way home.” (type of comment)

Normal, right?

Well, a co-worker overheard me talking to myself and said, “It’s ok to talk to yourself as long as you don’t answer.”

First of all I think people who interrupt others conversations, even if the conversation is with myself, are rude individuals.

Secondly, why is it not ok to answer yourself? Who decided this is bad? Why am I considered ‘abnormal’ if I have a two-part conversation with myself? I say they are abnormal because they are not creative enough to bring in other characters.

Is this any different from the child who has his imaginary friend? Hmmm… is the child with the imaginary friend a normal or abnormal child, and why? So many questions bouncing around in my head. They never seem to stop, one just leads to 4 more, all on a different tangent.

One day I plan to climb to the top of the proverbial mountain and ask the Sage the all important question. “What the Fuck?”

Deep thinking and conversations with myself are the ‘norm’ when I tune out the world and dig into a project.

Here it is, the metaphor of my life:

 

My bathroom, a sickly Pepto-Bismo pink, is like my mind. Inside this room I am consumed with the feeling of unease. First glance (before last Friday) is pretty, organized, sweet – just like me. Looking deeper, you see that the floor tiles are coming up at the corners, the paint is masking a garish nightmare, there is a hint of mildew permeating the air.

Like my bathroom, my looks are deceiving. At first glance one would chance to miss the pain, the uncertainty, the sadness, the scars. You might only notice the well pressed clothes, the brushed hair, the impish grin… unless you look deep.

(I should have taken a picture before I began demolishing my bathroom in order to give you the full effects of my comparisons)

I am single-handed-ly getting rid of the annoyances in my bathroom and one day perhaps, the annoyances in my mind.

Destroying my room, one layer at a time, is empowering. Pulling up layer after layer of old linoleum, I am ridding the room of the trapped mold. The busted knuckles, the slivers, the bruise on my knee are all trophies, badges of honor.

I can do this! I swear, I feel so alive. Every muscle is aching… But, I am alive!

Here are a few pictures of the step by step project to-date. There is still alot of work to do. Every day I go home and force myself to face another part of the project.

 Pulled the base boards and almost complete with pulling the three layers of linoleum. Look at the whacked-out wallpaper that was under the base boards. I saved a piece of the wall paper as a memento.   

When I pulled the linoleum the particle board underneath was rotted around the bathtub. So, I pulled out my trusty tools (hammer, screwdriver and knife) and pryed and beat the daylights out of the old flooring, until it wielded to my command. Ha, I rule supreme over the disgusting materials.

The tile was much easier to cut and put in place than the old floor was to remove. This picture is before I applied the caulking. Notice, I layed the pieces a bit off-center, just like me. ;)

Tonight I will remove more of the old wall paper. If I have the energy, I hope to begin painting over the weekend. Who knows, I may be able to put my toilet back in sometime next week!  Right now, my toilet is resting in the shower. My neighbor thinks a perfect bathroom would have the toilet in the shower, allowing you to take care of two functions at the same time.

I would patent the S & S (shit and shower) but fear it would never catch on with those who claim to be ‘normal’.

Diary of a Demented Snow Shoveler January 9, 2008

Posted by cavmom in I should be working, Laughter, Why I live in the South.
6 comments

I am here. Sort-of. It has been a crazy week. I will make an honest post as soon as I get a few free moments to collect the jumbled thoughts. I also want to share my new project! For now, enjoy the funny posted below:

(Received from my Sister-in-law) 

December 8,   6:00 PM
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
 
December 9  
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had!  Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!
 
December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry-
we’ll definitely have a white Christmas.  No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man, I’m glad he’s our neighbor.
December 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20.  The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!  The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so.
December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think
that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska , after all.

December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own livingroom.

December 20
Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of the dang stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all
day. The snowplow came by twice.  Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.

December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it’s so cold, it probably won’t melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to go to the bathroom. By the time I got undressed, made a visit to the bathroom and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he’s too busy. I think he’s is lying.

December 23
Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!!  Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she’s lying.

December 24
6 inches – Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch that snowplow driver, I’ll drag him through the snow by his hair and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I’ve just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the snowplow.

December 25
Merry Christmas! 20 more inches of the slop tonight – Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s a  fricking idiot. If I have to watch “It’s A Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.

December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he
only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. She is driving me crazy!!!

December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his rearend. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.

December 31
I set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed? 

I Have Layers… January 4, 2008

Posted by only4now in clogged plumbing, cursing, I should be working, Laughter, Layers of me, period.
1 comment so far

I love that line! It is even more amusing when uttered with a different accent or crazed look on my face each time. Each layer representing a different mood, a different aspect, a different point in my life (which may change daily, hourly, or even before you get a chance to blink).

The majority of my posts here have been rather depressing. This was to be my place to ‘dump’ some of the uglies that creep thru my ‘layers’.

I also have a couple, ok 4, other blogs that I post on.

On one blog I am the Cheer Leader, Supportive Mom  ~ Handing out hugs and band-aides, offering informative bits of news… Very prim and proper. (a blog in which I could send my parents over to read) 

Another blog I am sarcastically witty (at least in my mind), attacking annoying nuances in the news and in my day to day plodding thru life.

Another blog I, well… I post whatever I am feeling, with reckless abandonment to the shock of those who stop in. It is crass, sometimes disgusting, never censored bits and pieces of me.

Each blog is a layer. Although none are false, none paint a complete picture of my slightly-twisted self. A self with whom I am quite content with today. Today is a good day.

I shared this with PA  yesterday and was going to leave it alone. However, today I decided I would share a bit of my crass humor.

WARNING: If you are easily offended by off color humor about body functions, or have a sensitivity to vulgar language ~ You need to go ahead and step away from the blog.

Today, you get to see a a different layer, a side of me that is written when I am am at an almost level state. Be afraid…. hahahahahahahaa (yes, that is evil laughter)  

Well, This is my morning:
First of all, I am on my period. I know, too much info. About a week ago I had to call the plumber to come to the office to unstop the toilet in the ladies room. This is the second time in 3 months. It just so happens that there are only two women here. Me and a 73 year old. So it is safe to say, when he pulled out the tampons that were plugging up the pipe, they had to be mine.
I know … too much information… (yet, I continue………..)
Now keep in mind, the owner of the company is an opinionated little old Italian man. We go back and forth all the time. Right in front of the plumber, he exclaims “Women! What the hell do they put in the commode?”

The plumber is a family friend of mine. He is trying to smooth things over. But, the boss keeps going on and on. Finally, the boss said “Put a sign above the commode. I want nothing to go down these drains but shit.”

I am trying my best not to laugh at him… But, I fail. Instead I put up a sign that reads, “Please do not put paper products in the toilet.”

Fast forward to yesterday:

I am Jonesing chocolate really bad. So, I take care of my cravings by scarfing a pound of peanut M&Ms. (Isn’t that what a person is supposed to do when faced with menstrual cravings?) My period is a major bitch and if the bitch wants chocolate, I drown her in the shit.

Well, I just happen to be developing new allergies all the time. Certain foods make me itch like a som’a’bitch. I am not sure if it is the food dye, the nuts, or something else… But, so help me; If I have developed an allergy to chocolate, my hubby has orders to shoot me and bury me in the back yard.

Move to today:

I have popped a Benadryl to combat the itchies and I am a tad bit woozy. I am sitting on the toilet in the ladies room at work, trying my best to remove my tampon, when the damn thing slips from my fingers and falls in the water. Shit, Fuck, and Damn.

I fish it out, wrap it in paper towels and toss it in the trash… All the while thinking, “I should leave this on my boss’s desk.”

Go ahead and laugh, I am!  Better than crying. Men…  

New Years ~yada-yada-yada January 2, 2008

Posted by only4now in Endorphins, Laughter, New years resolutions, Optimism.
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I am not going to lie and tell anyone that I made any resolutions. I have made some ‘decisions’ to better my life. I know that ‘resolve’ and ‘decide’ are similar, but they are indeed different.

Resolve is merely a statement of formal intent (intent being the key word) Whereas decide is to arrive at a solution.  The first offers an excuse for failure before beginning as it is just a connotation to be tossed aside (as is the fashion with resolutions).

And a decision shows determination to actually come to a conclusion.

I know it can all be conceived as a play on words… But, I am decisive. I have power to win over the weakness in my mind. (sounds good right?)

I am exercising. Not to get back into the tiny little clothes I wore way back when. Nor am I exercising to look ‘hot’ with the Spring season just around the corner.

I am  exercising because the endorphin release gives off an amazing high.  I might even look into some of the other claimed endorphin sources… Chocolate, laughter, hot peppers, and even sex.

Yes, this years ‘decisions’ will be manageable!

Protective Coating January 2, 2008

Posted by only4now in abuse, betrayal, Depression, doubts, Pain, spousal abuse, Trust.
1 comment so far

He scratched thru the layers of protective coating in which I surround myself. The protective coating which stops me from feeling the pain and vulnerability.

So many times I have been hurt, that I developed a special shell to block out the pain. In so doing, I have become numb to many feelings. But, it makes it so much easier to put on the false smile and say, “Yes Sir” “No Sir” What can I do for you?”

Very rote, but very safe.  I am no longer me, but I am no longer in pain.

*shrugs*

Ya win some, ya lose some.

Well… Monday night he scratched thru the layers leaving me so very vulnerable. Let me retrace and see if any of this makes sense in writing.

A few years back I made a mistake. Innocent thinking on my part, but no excuse to him. His younger brother had been over the day before and left a few things at our house. On this day, Jeff was at work and I was home by myself, cleaning… basically puttering around, kind of a lazy day. His brother knocked on the door and asked to come in and get his things. This seemed innocent enough to me. Growing up, our home had an open door policy. Friends, family and neighbors came and went at will. We were very trusting.

Anyway, his brother got his things and left. I went back to cleaning, thinking nothing of the event. That evening when my hubby came home, he walked right up to me and punched me in the face. He then proceeded to beat me, while cursing me for being a slut. I remember begging him to stop, and then begging God to let me die.

The next morning he told me that if I ever let another man into our home again he would kill me. Later he told me that his brother said I answered the door in a sexy nightie and ‘came on’ to him.

I think the pain of him believing his brother over me was worse than the black eye and bruised ribs.  

Trust is a major part of my life. I have learned to trust no one fully. I trust different people on different levels. And my Dad is the closest I will ever come to full trust. However, I am afraid to open up to him and have him think less of me. Crazy web I am tangled in.

Back to my brother-in-law ~ That was the first time in which he lied and I paid the price. On the second occasion, he stole something from my husband’s truck. Jeff was giving him a ride home and stopped for gas. When Jeff was inside paying, his brother removed the item from the glove compartment.

A couple days later my hubby asked if I had seen the missing item. Immediately I thought of his no-good brother and asked if he might have taken it. Jeff asked his brother, who promptly told him that I had given him the item. Without allowing me to defend the lie, Jeff came home and knocked me silly. This time I stood my ground and insisted we both go confront his brother. When asked again, with me in the same room, his brother admitted he had taken the item. Jeff then punched him and told me he would never have anything to do with his worthless brother again.

Over the next couple years I developed an intense hatred for that man. Anytime his name came up in a conversation I became ill. Slowly Jeff let him right back into his life (they are brothers after all… bs)

Fast forward to last week ~ His brother had called a couple of times, once to tell us that they had moved into our neighborhood. (SHIT) Another time to ask is he could make a few dollars washing my car. (HELL NO!) Then on New Year’s Eve he calls and talks with Jeff on the two-way radio. Hearing his actual voice made me nauseous and I got up and left the room.

The remainder of the night my emotions flipped back and forth between anger and pain. I felt like my husband had betrayed me by once again opening his arms to his brother.

Yesterday I could not take it any longer. His betrayal had broken thru the protective coating. I had to confront my husband, and ask him to at least make certain that I was not in the room when he is talking with his brother. He wanted to know why.

WHY? WHY? WHY? Why didn’t he already know the answer? Why was he making me tell him again? How could he forget?

He then told me that if my feelings were so strong against his brother, there must have been a lot more between the two of us and I needed to come clean. I became hysterical, shrieking at him. The pain was so acute that I could not stop until I was drained of energy.

This is all bizarre for me because I am very passive. I am so good about hiding my feelings. I do not crack…

Which brings me to today ~ Today I am about as low as I have felt in my life. I don’t feel suicidal. I just feel empty.

Slowly, I will repair the protective coating. Each time I rebuild my shell, it becomes thicker and tougher to penetrate. Perhaps one day, it will just be me… for I will have succeeded in forcing everyone else out.  

Forever.

What is really screwed up about my thought process ~ I am full of hatred for his brother for the lies, but not mad at my husband for hitting me. I am hurt that my hubby does not trust me enough to believe me over that piece of shit. Why am I not mad at him for what he does to me? Why do I need him to believe in me? This crap is so messed up. Why does my heart break every time I think of losing him? Why do I care?

SO and other Things- 2nd try December 28, 2007

Posted by only4now in abuse, betrayal, Discipline, doubts, Music, Random thoughts, Sensory Overload, sexual abuse, Trust.
3 comments
Counting flowers on the wall,
That don’t bother me at all.
Playing Solitaire till dawn,
With a deck of fifty-one.
Smoking cigarettes and watching Captain Kangaroo.
Now, don’t tell me I’ve nothing to do.

How appropriately nuts to put Pulp Fiction together with this song. My mind is zinging around like an errant ping-pong ball. My thought process is leading me from one topic matter to the next with no bridges in between.
Driving in to the office I was thinking about an email from Scott. He stated his favorite song and group. I wanted to send him back an email with my favorites… but came up empty. I love music, I really do. But, I could not think of a single song that I could call a favorite. While thinking back over the MANY Cd’s that I own, the crazy song jumped into my head. I had to laugh because it is often on the tip of my tongue. Which is odd because it has never been considered a favorite by any measure.
 
But I did come up with a song that I am very fond of at the moment. “The Reason” by Hoobastank. My son bought the Cd for me.I also enjoy “Right to be Wrong” by Joss Stone
I just don’t listen to music very often anymore. I suffer from periods of Sensory Overload. Many songs with repetitive lyrics and or beats drive me batty. I become so annoyed with the repetition that I am no longer listening to the song itself.
Sometimes it is a combination of outside distractions, a clutter on my desk, a book out of place, a piece of thread on the carpet… all throwing my mind into turmoil. Add to that the noise from a television or a radio and I cannot put together a concise thought.

So, unfortunately, I seldom listen to music anymore unless I have Cds playing in the background while cleaning the house.

Yesterday I was waiting in line at the Post Office. There were about 15 people in line, all chatting either on their cell phones or with others in line. The chatter was in several different languages and I almost went bonkers. I could feel a panic attack coming on. Thankfully the Post Master noticed that I was only in line to pick up a package and he waved me to the front.

I have only had a few episodes in which the overload became too much and I felt as if I were losing control. The other times were in busy restaurants. I wish I knew how to tune out the distractions. It is a scary feeling when the room begins to swim around me. The noise rising to a deafening level, but none of it making any sense.

This does not happen every time I am in loud crowded areas. Monday I was at the Chargers football game. The stadium was packed and the fans were crazed. I loved every minute of the event. I screamed and cheered along with the 68,000 in attendance, never once feeling overwhelmed.

Changing Channels: (or new topic)  My flight back from San Diego, CA to Houston, TX was 4 hours of HELL.

Before I begin, let me just say that I love children. I enjoy getting down on the floor and playing with them on their level. I take great pride in my ability to construct an awesome building block fort! My three year old nephew with his imaginary friend are two of my best buddies to hang out with. The honesty of a young child is refreshing. Rediscovering everything thru their eyes is almost like experiencing it for the first time all over again.

That being said – I was ready to hand a parachute to the four year old seated behind me and give her a gentle nudge out the window. Parents who have absolutely no control over their children should not force the rest of us to endure their crap.

I was subjected to four hours of the little chit kicking the back of my seat; a minimum of three hours of screaming tantrums, and to top it off the little ‘Princess’ pooped her pants about mid-flight.

When her mommy asked her why she did not get up and use the restroom, the young girl defiantly stated, “Because I don’t want to be here!”

Well Hell Fire, I don’t want you to be here either, but I am not going to poop my pants in protest.

Her mommy told the little ‘stinker-butt’ that she would have to just sit in ‘it’ until they landed. OMG she was going to make all of us suffer to prove a point. Lady, you and your daughter can both grab a parachute and jump.  
I so badly wanted to stand up and tell the brat to Shut the Fuck Up! I think I could have been convincing enough to shock them both into silence. Alas, I just sat silently on and endured the repeated blows to the back of my seat. 

Another Channel Change: Parenting skills … via my Dad and Step-Mom ~ I adore my Dad. He has always been my rock. He is tough with his rules, yet fair. I did get a couple well deserved swats on the butt. yet, I never once felt anything but love from Dad. He is the type of person who commands respect when he walks into a room, yet everyone welcomes him with open arms. Dad loves people and people love Dad. 

In school I pushed hard with my studies, eager to see Dad’s smile and feel his hugs for a job well done. On the weekends I would be his shadow, following him from project to project. Handing him a wrench or a screwdriver as was needed for each job. 

On cold winter mornings, Dad would pick me up from my paper route and take me out for hot cocoa and a donut. It was our special time together.

… And then there was my Step-Mom (SM). She was by no means as evil as Cinderella’s Step-Mom, but neither was there any of the love which I so badly craved. I tried for years to please her, baking bread and cookies, setting the table, ironing, mopping floors. 

But, I cannot remember her ever smiling in my direction. Perhaps she was upset with the doting love my Dad showered upon me. In years past, I have wondered if Dad gave me extra hugs because he saw Mom’s lack of contact with me… Did his extra attention backfire causing her to push even further away from me? Maybe, I was exuding a subliminal resentment that kept her at bay.

I do remember many incidents in which she left me in tears. One being when I was 11 or 12 years of age. My best friend told me that she didn’t want to be my friend any longer. (this is traumatic news for a young girl) I went into the house in tears and told Mom what had happened. She began to laugh and said “nobody likes you, everybody hates you, why don’t you go eat worms?” 

She then turned back around and continued to prepare dinner. She might as well of slapped me across the face. The end result would have been the same, only this time the pain did not leave a mark on the outside.
 
I also think she knew about my step-bothers molesting me.  I often wonder if that was part of the reason for her barbs. Maybe she was afraid that I was going to tell. (I often wonder why I was too afraid to speak up) 

My  SM made me a couple soft flannel night shirts that she gave me for Christmas one year. They were fantastic. So warm and soft to sleep in during the harsh winters of Northern Wyoming. However they were not as sweet to sleep in in the hot stagnant air of the summer months.

Often times in the middle of the night, I would strip off my nightie and sleep in my panties between the sheets. On a couple different nights I was awakened by my SM and spanked for being indecent. What is so indecent about a 9 year old girl sleeping without a night shirt in her own bed in her own room? In a normal family I would like to think that little girls are safe and can sleep however they choose. 

My SM told me that I was dirty and I was asking for trouble. Yes, I think she knew.

I am relieved that I no longer need her love and approval. I don’t wish her harm, nor do I wish to spend another moment in her presence. 

Too bad I cannot send out an invitation for only my Dad to come visit. My life will crumble when it is Dad’s time to pass.  Alas, I hope I go before him. (selfish I know)    

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