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Diary of a Demented Snow Shoveler January 9, 2008

Posted by cavmom in I should be working, Laughter, Why I live in the South.
6 comments

I am here. Sort-of. It has been a crazy week. I will make an honest post as soon as I get a few free moments to collect the jumbled thoughts. I also want to share my new project! For now, enjoy the funny posted below:

(Received from my Sister-in-law) 

December 8,   6:00 PM
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
 
December 9  
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had!  Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!
 
December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry-
we’ll definitely have a white Christmas.  No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man, I’m glad he’s our neighbor.
December 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to -20.  The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!  The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so.
December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think
that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska , after all.

December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own livingroom.

December 20
Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of the dang stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all
day. The snowplow came by twice.  Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.

December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it’s so cold, it probably won’t melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to go to the bathroom. By the time I got undressed, made a visit to the bathroom and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he’s too busy. I think he’s is lying.

December 23
Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she, nuts?!!  Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she’s lying.

December 24
6 inches – Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch that snowplow driver, I’ll drag him through the snow by his hair and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I’ve just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the snowplow.

December 25
Merry Christmas! 20 more inches of the slop tonight – Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s a  fricking idiot. If I have to watch “It’s A Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.

December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he
only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. She is driving me crazy!!!

December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his rearend. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.

December 31
I set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed? 

I Have Layers… January 4, 2008

Posted by only4now in clogged plumbing, cursing, I should be working, Laughter, Layers of me, period.
1 comment so far

I love that line! It is even more amusing when uttered with a different accent or crazed look on my face each time. Each layer representing a different mood, a different aspect, a different point in my life (which may change daily, hourly, or even before you get a chance to blink).

The majority of my posts here have been rather depressing. This was to be my place to ‘dump’ some of the uglies that creep thru my ‘layers’.

I also have a couple, ok 4, other blogs that I post on.

On one blog I am the Cheer Leader, Supportive Mom  ~ Handing out hugs and band-aides, offering informative bits of news… Very prim and proper. (a blog in which I could send my parents over to read) 

Another blog I am sarcastically witty (at least in my mind), attacking annoying nuances in the news and in my day to day plodding thru life.

Another blog I, well… I post whatever I am feeling, with reckless abandonment to the shock of those who stop in. It is crass, sometimes disgusting, never censored bits and pieces of me.

Each blog is a layer. Although none are false, none paint a complete picture of my slightly-twisted self. A self with whom I am quite content with today. Today is a good day.

I shared this with PA  yesterday and was going to leave it alone. However, today I decided I would share a bit of my crass humor.

WARNING: If you are easily offended by off color humor about body functions, or have a sensitivity to vulgar language ~ You need to go ahead and step away from the blog.

Today, you get to see a a different layer, a side of me that is written when I am am at an almost level state. Be afraid…. hahahahahahahaa (yes, that is evil laughter)  

Well, This is my morning:
First of all, I am on my period. I know, too much info. About a week ago I had to call the plumber to come to the office to unstop the toilet in the ladies room. This is the second time in 3 months. It just so happens that there are only two women here. Me and a 73 year old. So it is safe to say, when he pulled out the tampons that were plugging up the pipe, they had to be mine.
I know … too much information… (yet, I continue………..)
Now keep in mind, the owner of the company is an opinionated little old Italian man. We go back and forth all the time. Right in front of the plumber, he exclaims “Women! What the hell do they put in the commode?”

The plumber is a family friend of mine. He is trying to smooth things over. But, the boss keeps going on and on. Finally, the boss said “Put a sign above the commode. I want nothing to go down these drains but shit.”

I am trying my best not to laugh at him… But, I fail. Instead I put up a sign that reads, “Please do not put paper products in the toilet.”

Fast forward to yesterday:

I am Jonesing chocolate really bad. So, I take care of my cravings by scarfing a pound of peanut M&Ms. (Isn’t that what a person is supposed to do when faced with menstrual cravings?) My period is a major bitch and if the bitch wants chocolate, I drown her in the shit.

Well, I just happen to be developing new allergies all the time. Certain foods make me itch like a som’a’bitch. I am not sure if it is the food dye, the nuts, or something else… But, so help me; If I have developed an allergy to chocolate, my hubby has orders to shoot me and bury me in the back yard.

Move to today:

I have popped a Benadryl to combat the itchies and I am a tad bit woozy. I am sitting on the toilet in the ladies room at work, trying my best to remove my tampon, when the damn thing slips from my fingers and falls in the water. Shit, Fuck, and Damn.

I fish it out, wrap it in paper towels and toss it in the trash… All the while thinking, “I should leave this on my boss’s desk.”

Go ahead and laugh, I am!  Better than crying. Men…  

New Years ~yada-yada-yada January 2, 2008

Posted by only4now in Endorphins, Laughter, New years resolutions, Optimism.
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I am not going to lie and tell anyone that I made any resolutions. I have made some ‘decisions’ to better my life. I know that ‘resolve’ and ‘decide’ are similar, but they are indeed different.

Resolve is merely a statement of formal intent (intent being the key word) Whereas decide is to arrive at a solution.  The first offers an excuse for failure before beginning as it is just a connotation to be tossed aside (as is the fashion with resolutions).

And a decision shows determination to actually come to a conclusion.

I know it can all be conceived as a play on words… But, I am decisive. I have power to win over the weakness in my mind. (sounds good right?)

I am exercising. Not to get back into the tiny little clothes I wore way back when. Nor am I exercising to look ‘hot’ with the Spring season just around the corner.

I am  exercising because the endorphin release gives off an amazing high.  I might even look into some of the other claimed endorphin sources… Chocolate, laughter, hot peppers, and even sex.

Yes, this years ‘decisions’ will be manageable!