Emotional Vacations

I took a vacation from reality it seems. It was a decision to shut out everything and everyone for fear of falling any deeper.

 I must apologize to PA (I will stop by your blog and do that there as well) Yes, I was sending out an SOS of sorts to you. But, when you responded, I was too far gone. I no longer had the will to try… I could not read or post.

Only yesterday did I start to come out of this one. I know I need to go back to the doctor. My episodes are coming more frequently and are progressively darker. The only good to come of it, is I am now learning to recognize some of the triggers.

My last post was… deep, but just the edge of the canyon in which I fell. Friday I was a complete wreck and had absolutely no business outside of my home. I was overcome with fits of paranoia, despair, depression, anger, (even to the point of feeling hatred)

Let me try and describe my actions:

I flipped off my neighbor but I am not sure if he saw me do it. My husband was shocked and asked what that was all about. (I next to never show anything but a smile to those around me) I responded, “He is a piece of shit and I am tired of pretending otherwise.”

While it is true that he is a thief, and I detest him. I would never, in a normal semblance of mindset, shown such emotional anger.

I refuse to talk with a cousin who would like to go into business with me.   I have decided that we can not work together because I do not approve of the way she treats (uses) her boyfriend.

Again, this is not like me. I do not make a practice of judging others in their relationships.

I broke down in the hardware store. I was upset that the self-scanning register kept giving me a error message. The third time the error message came up, I lost it. The lady was sweet to me. I know she could see that I was totally out of it. She began rubbing my shoulder and telling me it was OK, while I blabbered that I chose the self-scan register because I didn’t want to talk with anyone today. Now I have to talk to people and I don’t want to talk to people.

She told me, “Baby, stand right here beside me and let me take care of it for you.”

I just wanted to leave the store… She insisted I stay there and she continued to calm me down with her soothing prattle. Stepping out into the cool air, I regained some composer.

But, I still had no business outside of the house. The office was closed down for the day and I decided I would go in and work by myself for awhile. Pulling into the parking lot, I flew into a rage because a coworker was already there. I was furious that he was there when I needed to be alone.

I turned around and went to the grocery store. I wandered up and down the aisles for a couple hours. Only putting a few things in my cart. It was pretty much a blur. I did strike up a silly conversation with the Miller Lite Girls. They gave me a prize for knowing a trivia question. I felt sorry for them. Stuck in the back of the store, stopping people to ask them questions about football trivia. People were trying to avoid being stopped. So, I walked right up to them and offered a friendly face. I am now the recipient of a silly plastic watch. But, it made me feel good to see them smile.

I then maneuvered thru traffic which seemed to be grinding to a halt. NO… I simply could not deal with a traffic nightmare in my current mindset. I was drowning. How do I even begin to explain how something so innocent could push me completely out of my mind for a while?

I cut thru a large parking lot, desperate to get home, desperate to not feel trapped. Standing between me and clear roads was a group of teenage boys. They were right in the center of the drive-thru area.

In a clear-state of mind I would have tapped on the horn or even waited patiently for them to notice that I needed to get past them.

However, I am ashamed to say that I did not do either. I placed one foot on the brake and the other on the gas and revved my engine. My car lurched forward a couple feet and they jumped out of the way rather quickly. Some darting to the left, some to the right. However one young man, looking rather panicked, just stared at me with his eyes open wide.

I remember feeling rage and throwing my hands in the air in exasperation. “Right or Left!” I screamed (but, I don’t think the words came out of my mouth.)

He stepped out of the way and I sped off, like I was fleeing a tornado. I made it home without killing anyone or myself and layed on the kitchen floor and sobbed. I was totally drained, emotionally and physically. Although it was never my intention, I could have killed someone.

That scares the crap out of me.