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Adding some Color December 21, 2007

Posted by only4now in alive, color, Optimism, Random thoughts.
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I love this picture! The fog with hints of light peaking thru. So many places to escape, to be invisible to those around me. It has a damp chill, enough to remind me I am alive. Sitting here, I can almost smell the dampness in the leaves at my feet. Feel the mist of the fog against my cheek.

While I find comfort in the picture, I also feel a sadness. I was trying to put my finger on it… and have decided, that much like my life, the picture needs color.

I need color.


It has been too long since I last walked to the pond and fed the ducks. Sitting in my fog, I am missing the beauty of life around me.

This will be my first of what I hope will be a weekly post, in which I find three reasons why I am happy to be alive. (It cannot be that hard, right?) Here it is, in no particular order:

1.) Peanut butter cookies – being awake at 3 in the morning and mixing flour, sugar, eggs, and peanut butter together… Creating a masterpiece when everyone else is still asleep. This is a very good reason to be alive. Feeling the dough form between my fingers, slightly sticky, testing a few bites as I go… I am not sure, but I doubt I could make cookies if I were dead… A fair assumption.

2.) Hearing my son’s voice on the phone – Even knowing he will chide me about my taste in music, movies, clothes, football teams… I love that young man. I love the way he debates me with conviction. I love his independence. I love his giant heart and the way he can send me a hug right over the phone.

 ……….. ok, this is tough……. There must be many more reasons… I need to look deeper…

3.) I am getting 4 days off from work. That alone should make a person happy to be alive. Going to San Diego and watching the Chargers football game… I love to fly. The feeling of being free from the pulls of day to day life. The slight twinge of concern when bouncing in turbulence. The new challenges I face with each step I am taking away from my comfort zone. Scared, yet excited… Alive.   

Why I don’t share December 20, 2007

Posted by only4now in abuse, betrayal, Trust.
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Telling others about the shit in my life only gives them shit to throw back at me when they are mad. Besides family, he was the only person whom I opened up to. He was the ONLY PERSON in the entire world whom I trusted. The only person I told of the years of sexual abuse that I endured. He is the only person who knew my secret hiding place as a child. The place where I felt safe.

Now, he too is shut out.

On the outside I smile and joke with everyone. On the inside… I am not sure there is an inside anymore. Just jumbled up shards of broken me.

Shit, that sounds pathetic. My life is not that bad. Why do I insist on looking at it this way? Maybe I need to go back on the anti-depressants. I HATE THEM.

I keep telling myself that I can work thru this without help.

Can I?????????

I have not seen my doctor in over a year, have not taken meds in six months. (when my prescription ran out)

I don’t like people to ask me questions. The doctor will obviously ask me things that I don’t wan to answer and I will most likely not tell him the truth. So, I see no reason to waste each other’s time.

For now…. I will just keep writing and see if anything begins to make any sense.

Side note* No desire to end it all… Sad part, I have no desire for anything. I could sit and stare at nothing all day long. I just don’t care right now. 

Sorting it Out December 19, 2007

Posted by only4now in abuse, betrayal, Pain, sexual abuse, Trust.

 I have yet to decide just how much of my past I am ready to share…

(I typed that first line three days ago and could go no further. I think today I am stronger and ready to proceed.)

The first memory of sexual abuse was when I was five. (I wrote a short post about it here) trying to let go  I told a couple people about my brother, but they were obviously skeptical.

I would like to say that it does not matter that they did not believe me. But, it does matter. Not so much the validation of the event, but that they now think I told them a lie.

It was not easy to open up, and then to have my painful past scrutinized… Well, I can’t deal with that. Dammit, I didn’t tell you because I needed sympathy. I told you because I needed you to understand where I was coming from.

Even though I have not been back to that place in more than 35 years, I could still take you to the very spot. Yes, this is the spot

3rd base dugout…

Some things, such as this are etched deep in my mind. They don’t always sit on the surface and hurt. In fact I seldom think about them. But, when I do push them to the front it is for a reason. Telling me I am full of shit, only does one thing. It closes all channels of communication between us.

(The person who needs to see this never will. But just maybe, someone else will think twice before slamming somone who has opened up and shared their pain.)

After that day I do not recall any abuse for some time. I am not saying that it never happened. I am just saying that IF it did occur, my brain put it somewhare deeper than I can reach.

… It will take more time before I can move on to the really bad stuff. I am going to do it though, because I have found that writing ‘stuff’ down and reading it 40-50 times, makes it so much less painful for me.

Not really a post day December 19, 2007

Posted by only4now in I should be working, rambling.
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I have started two posts at the same time. My mind keeps bouncing back and forth between the two. If I get time to finish them, I will post one tomorrow and one Friday.

The reason I am even writing about my intentions to post what I am writing about???

I suppose because the two posts are at complete different ends of the spectrum.

1.) A very dark post, working thru some of the childhood sexual abuse and how it effects me today.

2.) A bright and cheery post of good things in my life.

As for now, the boss is coming in, I have a gazzillion assignments that are screaming for attention, and I am determined to fill out at least three Christmas cards before Christmas day and put them in the mail.

So, today can be crossed off… except for this post telling that I am going to post… which is lame enough to never be classified as a real post.


The Sun is Shining December 18, 2007

Posted by only4now in Optimism.
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The skies are gray, the air is damp, the temperature has a slight chill; just enough components to leave a hint of gloom in the air.

Yet, it is not affecting me this morning. I am in a “Halo of Happy.”

Not sure what it is … certainly not the holiday madness. The intense craziness that engulfs the month of December I try to avoid at all costs. Too much noise, too much commotion, too much spending, too much rushing, too many people…. It is all too much!

Yet today, I am happy, almost to the point of feeling giddy!

Perhaps it is the upcoming four day weekend. Perhaps it is going out of town for a while.

I am not sure what has pulled me out of the gloom and doom, but the end result is fantastic!   I need to find a way to bottle some of this and open the reserve when I am suffocating.

Of course a more logical solution would be to find the cause of my highs and lows and work thru the issues. Today, however, I am going to bask in the glow.

Who knows? I may even treat myself to a guilty pleasure. Hmmmm… a donut chased down with a quart of eggnog just might do it.

I can do this. But, please do not let someone ruin it by turning on the dreadful Santa songs.

Hello God December 17, 2007

Posted by only4now in doubts, God, Random thoughts.
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“Are you really there?”

“Is it true you answer every child’s prayer?”

My sister’s daughter sang this little child’s song to me. It is beautiful.  Religion is beautiful… (for what it is worth)

Right now I am having serious doubts about the entire package. Is there a God? Have we all been duped into praying to someone who does not exist?

My parents would be crapping bunnies if they knew I was in doubt. I think their every thought and action is centered around religion. In fact they recently sold their home and left for Ghana Africa to do missionary work.

As children we were taught to pray, many times per day… upon rising, before meals, before bedtime…

Religion was always a part of our lives, yet I never developed a relationship with God. All my actions were rote as were my prayers.

And now, the more I see of life the more I doubt.

Don’t get me wrong, religion as a basis for teaching right from wrong, good versus evil, humanity, kindness, charity, humility, etc is an excellent tool.

Depending on who you listen to, God is either a loving being in which to turn when you need guidance; or he is to be feared. You follow his word to please him or because you fear his wrath.

The entire preconception of a deity strikes me in a funny way. I cannot help but think we are approaching religion in a slightly-more-advanced state than the Greeks during the periods of Zeus and Hera.

We still pray for rain, for good fortune, for victory in battle. We ask for God to spare us and when we lose a loved one we say, “It was God’s will.”

If there is a God (the verdict is still out in my mind), then I may be struck down. Because I am about to bring shame to my family and state my views.

One of my favorite quotes is by Voltaire ~ “God is a Comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.”

Well, I have decided that IF there is a God, then he is a cruel SOB.

How can a loving God allow such atrocities to occur? How can a loving God not intervene when a monster tortures a child to death? How can a loving God sit idly by when a parent begs for his mercy while trying to free his daughter from a burning car?

Is it God’s will that the little girl should die in pain, screaming for her father to get her out? Is it God’s will that the child’s father see his daughter suffer?

For what?

What lesson did God teach this family? What lesson was I supposed to gather?

Was it a test to see if the family could remain strong after such adversity? (They did not…)

If it was “Her time to go.” (like so many said) Why didn’t God let her die in the impact of the wreck, or at least have her knocked unconscious. Her parents did nothing wrong. They were hit by an inattentive driver.

Why did God (if he really exists) choose to torture a child in this manner?

When I begged God to end my pain, did he hear me? Did he care? Is he even there?

Alas, the verdict is still out and may never re-adjourn.

What is the Purpose? December 14, 2007

Posted by only4now in boxing, Random thoughts, Senseless acts.
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“The Argument from Intimidation is a confession of intellectual impotence.”

– Ayn Rand

They stand in a ring and beat each other senseless, and for what? Is it the status? Being able to say that “I am stronger than you.” ???

What is accomplished?

I detest boxing whether it is a schoolyard brawl or an officiated, sanctioned boxing match. It does not matter to me that both participants are in agreement to the fight. Nor am I eased in my thinking, knowing that in professional boxing they are often well paid.

It is just plain stupid to let people kill off each other’s brain cells one punch at a time. And I further detest the fools in the crowd who egg them on.

For some reason boxing reminds me of the Gladiators of ancient Rome who fought until the death, all the while the people in the arena were screaming their approval.

I am not sure why this just popped in my head??? Any more I am left grinning like a fool by the randomness of my thought process.

Speaking of random thoughts of senseless acts….

A man was out walking his dog. He turned his head to watch me go past him, and the fool stepped off the curb and almost landed on his butt. As soon as he regained his footing, he kicked his dog. (I guess I was supposed to believe that his dog was the reason he was clumsy and not his inattention to where he was stepping)

Trees December 13, 2007

Posted by only4now in abuse, hiding, Poetry, trees.
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by J. Daniel Beaudry

Tree, gather up my thoughts
like the clouds in your branches.
Draw up my soul
like the waters in your root.

In the arteries of your trunk
bring me together.
Through your leaves
breathe out the sky.


I love trees ~  their comforting branches which offered me a place to hide, while quietly I sat far above the eyes of those who were searching for me.

The wind whispering thru the leaves, softly telling me that I was safe.

Every year I plant trees, hoping they will grow tall and strong, one day to protect others in much the same way.

A Night of Pain December 12, 2007

Posted by only4now in abuse, Pain, spousal abuse.
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 (What does not kill us makes us stronger???)I have no idea what fueled his rage this time. Maybe I got on his case about drinking. Maybe I rolled my eyes at him. I cannot remember.

I could feel the slow boil building and I was growing more apprehensive. My mind raced, trying to think of things to say to calm him down. Everything I uttered must have come out ass-backwards. He was livid.

I tried to ignore him, hoping he would blow off steam, maybe break a few dishes and let it go. This seemed to make everything worse. Why was he so mad at me? I had been so careful … speeding thru traffic so that I would not be late… Cooking his favorite food… Smiling politely and asking about his day.

It did not matter… I knew he was going to hit me and I could only hope I could reason with him, so that it would not be as bad as last time.

He was yelling at me now. He wanted my car keys … and would not believe me when I told him that I gave them to him when I got home. I always handed them to him when I got home. It is his way of making sure I did not leave in the middle of the night.

He grabbed me by the throat and slammed my head into the wall. As I lay slumped on the floor, he began destroying the house. Screaming that he would find where I had hidden the keys. I wanted to help him find them so that he would stop screaming at me … but, I knew better than to move.

He broke first one than another chair over the dining room table, throwing the back of the second chair in my direction. A piece of the wood lodged in the wall above my head. And still, I did not dare move. I once made that mistake.

He picked up a third chair and slammed it into the table. This time the dining room table split in half. He moved on to the buffet … pulling all the drawers out and throwing them around the house. One hit me in the arm. I tried to keep from flinching as I knew it would draw more attention to me.

He came over and grabbed me by the hair, pulling me into the office. He threw me on the floor, wanting me to watch as he threw my computer on the floor. He yelled, “You want me to keep going? Where are your keys?”

I just shook my head no. Too afraid to speak. I don’t know how long it lasted, maybe only minutes. And then he pulled out his gun and held it to my head. I closed my eyes and prepared to die. I could feel the tears burning on my cheek, but did not want him to see them.  And then everything went black. I could hear him yelling and felt the sting of his boot in my ribs. But, I could not focus.

He had hit me pretty hard with the gun and my mind would not clear… So, I stayed in a limp pile on the floor and I fell asleep, hoping I would die.

Upon waking, I cried seeing the house. It had not been a dream as I had hoped. I remained still, listening for any sound to tell me he was in the house. Nothing. How long had I been sleeping? Where is he? My mind raced…

His gun was on the desk… Why did he leave it there? He is never careless with his gun. I did not hesitate. I grabbed the gun and ran to the big walk-in closet and hid. I was not going to let him kill me. Not tonight.

All night, I stayed crouched in the corner of the closet with blankets and boxes in front of me. My muscles ached, my head ached, and my heart ached.

Twice during the night, I held the gun to my head and tried to find the courage to pull the trigger. And I cried some more because I was too weak to do it. I despise my own weakness.

I thought about climbing out the window and running somewhere, anywhere. Yet, I stayed. Was it fear of him finding me or fear of being alone?

As morning came, I decided to face life … whatever that is.

Am I now stronger because of this? Maybe one day I will be… but for now, I am not

Comfort in Numbers? December 10, 2007

Posted by only4now in abuse, Pain.

They cry in the dark, so you can’t see their tears
They hide in the light, so you can’t see their fears
Forgive and forget, all the while
Love and pain become one and the same
In the eyes of a wounded child

Because Hell
Hell Is For Children
And you know that their little lives can become such a mess

Hell Is For Children
And you shouldn’t have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh

When I heard this Pat Benatar song in the early 80’s, I knew that someone out there understood. Part of the depression associated with abuse comes from feeling that you are all alone with your pain.

My Mom caught me singing this song and popped me in the mouth. But, I knew I was not alone. I knew that someone else must be going thru the same Hell. The words did not just leap into Pat’s head without a reason. There had to be others.

The song offered me a small bit of comfort, a power of sorts.  

Is it sick to find comfort in knowing that other children were also in pain?