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I Guess He is Alive May 21, 2008

Posted by only4now in Depression, doubts, Pain.
2 comments

I pick up my phone and check the date that he called me last:Febuary 03 at 9:28pm. He seemed to be in a fairly good mood… But he chastised me for not calling him for so long. He told me that I had let him down. It sounded like he was ribbing me. I must have missed the pain he was feeling.

Since then, I have tried numerous times to call him and he lets it roll to his voice mail…

It is not that I purposesly waited to call him before. I had to make myself set the phone down on many occasions. I felt like I was smothering him. No grown child needs to hear from his Mom all the time.

He was supposed to come visit in February. He was supposed to come live with me in March…. But, he no longer takes my calls. He no longer answers my emails…

I want him to know that I love and miss him so much that my heart is ripping from me…

I need him to know how important he is to me… How much his happiness means to me…

I don’t care if he lives here. Did I pressure him too much to move home? Is he still suffering from the nightmares of his past?

I would give EVERYTHING to go back and erase the things that have hurt him so deeply.

But for now, I will continue to see that he has opened my emails… and I will know he is alive.

…And I will keep it together… Just in case one day he needs me again.

I am here… February 19, 2008

Posted by only4now in alive, Depression, doubts, Optimism.
4 comments

Sort of… at least I think I am here. I am a bit fuzzy. Week two back on my meds. That is a good thing. I was spiralling out of control and refusing to help myself.

The harder I tried to laugh on the outside and joke with people, the more I cried on the inside.

Anyway, I am levelling off, I think. Personally, I feel 150mg of Effexor is too strong for me.

 But, I am giving it another shot.

Emotional Vacations January 28, 2008

Posted by only4now in Depression, doubts, Senseless acts.
2 comments

I took a vacation from reality it seems. It was a decision to shut out everything and everyone for fear of falling any deeper.

 I must apologize to PA (I will stop by your blog and do that there as well) Yes, I was sending out an SOS of sorts to you. But, when you responded, I was too far gone. I no longer had the will to try… I could not read or post.

Only yesterday did I start to come out of this one. I know I need to go back to the doctor. My episodes are coming more frequently and are progressively darker. The only good to come of it, is I am now learning to recognize some of the triggers.

My last post was… deep, but just the edge of the canyon in which I fell. Friday I was a complete wreck and had absolutely no business outside of my home. I was overcome with fits of paranoia, despair, depression, anger, (even to the point of feeling hatred)

Let me try and describe my actions:

I flipped off my neighbor but I am not sure if he saw me do it. My husband was shocked and asked what that was all about. (I next to never show anything but a smile to those around me) I responded, “He is a piece of shit and I am tired of pretending otherwise.”

While it is true that he is a thief, and I detest him. I would never, in a normal semblance of mindset, shown such emotional anger.

I refuse to talk with a cousin who would like to go into business with me.   I have decided that we can not work together because I do not approve of the way she treats (uses) her boyfriend.

Again, this is not like me. I do not make a practice of judging others in their relationships.

I broke down in the hardware store. I was upset that the self-scanning register kept giving me a error message. The third time the error message came up, I lost it. The lady was sweet to me. I know she could see that I was totally out of it. She began rubbing my shoulder and telling me it was OK, while I blabbered that I chose the self-scan register because I didn’t want to talk with anyone today. Now I have to talk to people and I don’t want to talk to people.

She told me, “Baby, stand right here beside me and let me take care of it for you.”

I just wanted to leave the store… She insisted I stay there and she continued to calm me down with her soothing prattle. Stepping out into the cool air, I regained some composer.

But, I still had no business outside of the house. The office was closed down for the day and I decided I would go in and work by myself for awhile. Pulling into the parking lot, I flew into a rage because a coworker was already there. I was furious that he was there when I needed to be alone.

I turned around and went to the grocery store. I wandered up and down the aisles for a couple hours. Only putting a few things in my cart. It was pretty much a blur. I did strike up a silly conversation with the Miller Lite Girls. They gave me a prize for knowing a trivia question. I felt sorry for them. Stuck in the back of the store, stopping people to ask them questions about football trivia. People were trying to avoid being stopped. So, I walked right up to them and offered a friendly face. I am now the recipient of a silly plastic watch. But, it made me feel good to see them smile.

I then maneuvered thru traffic which seemed to be grinding to a halt. NO… I simply could not deal with a traffic nightmare in my current mindset. I was drowning. How do I even begin to explain how something so innocent could push me completely out of my mind for a while?

I cut thru a large parking lot, desperate to get home, desperate to not feel trapped. Standing between me and clear roads was a group of teenage boys. They were right in the center of the drive-thru area.

In a clear-state of mind I would have tapped on the horn or even waited patiently for them to notice that I needed to get past them.

However, I am ashamed to say that I did not do either. I placed one foot on the brake and the other on the gas and revved my engine. My car lurched forward a couple feet and they jumped out of the way rather quickly. Some darting to the left, some to the right. However one young man, looking rather panicked, just stared at me with his eyes open wide.

I remember feeling rage and throwing my hands in the air in exasperation. “Right or Left!” I screamed (but, I don’t think the words came out of my mouth.)

He stepped out of the way and I sped off, like I was fleeing a tornado. I made it home without killing anyone or myself and layed on the kitchen floor and sobbed. I was totally drained, emotionally and physically. Although it was never my intention, I could have killed someone.

That scares the crap out of me.  

Trust January 15, 2008

Posted by only4now in abuse, betrayal, Depression, doubts, lies, spousal abuse, Trust.
7 comments

Today is a very low day for me. I don’t even know what to say, or how to put it in words.

My husband is lying to me. I know it and I believe he knows that I know… and it is going to be ugly tonight when I go home. I have a couple choices to make.

1.) I can confront him and let him “explain” his actions and lies. He will then proceed to twist this all around and make me the bad person. He will bring up anything and everything that he has ever thought I have done wrong. (mostly imaginary stuff that he saves for repeated arguments) You know, that I have cheated on him, which is a complete lie. Or, that I have been spending money behind his back, again a complete lie.

He will accuse me of looking at the neighbor in a provocative manner. He will bring up a guy I was dating years ago when the two of us first met. He will accuse me of sleeping with co-workers.

Basically, when he is thru trashing me, I will want to die. At this point it is not much of a push to bring me to that point anyway. As it now stands, I am not self harming directly… What I am doing instead is making myself available to harm by others. I have stopped locking the office building when I am here by myself. I no longer lock my car doors or even wear a seat belt. The house is basically left wide open.

I purposely antagonise people who piss me off hoping one of them will just ‘do something.’

Fuck, I just don’t care.

Back to my husband…

My other choice is to put my crappy fake smile on and again ACT like everything is ok. Pretend that I am oblivious to his lies and wait for another manic wave to lift me out of the shit hole in which I am now dwelling.  

I don’t drink often… but, tonight I am going home and getting plowed

Ha, I just looked at the title that I picked and realized that I was going to write about something completely different.

I suppose I could add: I don’t trust him! (now the title does not need to be changed)

Protective Coating January 2, 2008

Posted by only4now in abuse, betrayal, Depression, doubts, Pain, spousal abuse, Trust.
1 comment so far

He scratched thru the layers of protective coating in which I surround myself. The protective coating which stops me from feeling the pain and vulnerability.

So many times I have been hurt, that I developed a special shell to block out the pain. In so doing, I have become numb to many feelings. But, it makes it so much easier to put on the false smile and say, “Yes Sir” “No Sir” What can I do for you?”

Very rote, but very safe.  I am no longer me, but I am no longer in pain.

*shrugs*

Ya win some, ya lose some.

Well… Monday night he scratched thru the layers leaving me so very vulnerable. Let me retrace and see if any of this makes sense in writing.

A few years back I made a mistake. Innocent thinking on my part, but no excuse to him. His younger brother had been over the day before and left a few things at our house. On this day, Jeff was at work and I was home by myself, cleaning… basically puttering around, kind of a lazy day. His brother knocked on the door and asked to come in and get his things. This seemed innocent enough to me. Growing up, our home had an open door policy. Friends, family and neighbors came and went at will. We were very trusting.

Anyway, his brother got his things and left. I went back to cleaning, thinking nothing of the event. That evening when my hubby came home, he walked right up to me and punched me in the face. He then proceeded to beat me, while cursing me for being a slut. I remember begging him to stop, and then begging God to let me die.

The next morning he told me that if I ever let another man into our home again he would kill me. Later he told me that his brother said I answered the door in a sexy nightie and ‘came on’ to him.

I think the pain of him believing his brother over me was worse than the black eye and bruised ribs.  

Trust is a major part of my life. I have learned to trust no one fully. I trust different people on different levels. And my Dad is the closest I will ever come to full trust. However, I am afraid to open up to him and have him think less of me. Crazy web I am tangled in.

Back to my brother-in-law ~ That was the first time in which he lied and I paid the price. On the second occasion, he stole something from my husband’s truck. Jeff was giving him a ride home and stopped for gas. When Jeff was inside paying, his brother removed the item from the glove compartment.

A couple days later my hubby asked if I had seen the missing item. Immediately I thought of his no-good brother and asked if he might have taken it. Jeff asked his brother, who promptly told him that I had given him the item. Without allowing me to defend the lie, Jeff came home and knocked me silly. This time I stood my ground and insisted we both go confront his brother. When asked again, with me in the same room, his brother admitted he had taken the item. Jeff then punched him and told me he would never have anything to do with his worthless brother again.

Over the next couple years I developed an intense hatred for that man. Anytime his name came up in a conversation I became ill. Slowly Jeff let him right back into his life (they are brothers after all… bs)

Fast forward to last week ~ His brother had called a couple of times, once to tell us that they had moved into our neighborhood. (SHIT) Another time to ask is he could make a few dollars washing my car. (HELL NO!) Then on New Year’s Eve he calls and talks with Jeff on the two-way radio. Hearing his actual voice made me nauseous and I got up and left the room.

The remainder of the night my emotions flipped back and forth between anger and pain. I felt like my husband had betrayed me by once again opening his arms to his brother.

Yesterday I could not take it any longer. His betrayal had broken thru the protective coating. I had to confront my husband, and ask him to at least make certain that I was not in the room when he is talking with his brother. He wanted to know why.

WHY? WHY? WHY? Why didn’t he already know the answer? Why was he making me tell him again? How could he forget?

He then told me that if my feelings were so strong against his brother, there must have been a lot more between the two of us and I needed to come clean. I became hysterical, shrieking at him. The pain was so acute that I could not stop until I was drained of energy.

This is all bizarre for me because I am very passive. I am so good about hiding my feelings. I do not crack…

Which brings me to today ~ Today I am about as low as I have felt in my life. I don’t feel suicidal. I just feel empty.

Slowly, I will repair the protective coating. Each time I rebuild my shell, it becomes thicker and tougher to penetrate. Perhaps one day, it will just be me… for I will have succeeded in forcing everyone else out.  

Forever.

What is really screwed up about my thought process ~ I am full of hatred for his brother for the lies, but not mad at my husband for hitting me. I am hurt that my hubby does not trust me enough to believe me over that piece of shit. Why am I not mad at him for what he does to me? Why do I need him to believe in me? This crap is so messed up. Why does my heart break every time I think of losing him? Why do I care?