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Trust January 15, 2008

Posted by only4now in abuse, betrayal, Depression, doubts, lies, spousal abuse, Trust.

Today is a very low day for me. I don’t even know what to say, or how to put it in words.

My husband is lying to me. I know it and I believe he knows that I know… and it is going to be ugly tonight when I go home. I have a couple choices to make.

1.) I can confront him and let him “explain” his actions and lies. He will then proceed to twist this all around and make me the bad person. He will bring up anything and everything that he has ever thought I have done wrong. (mostly imaginary stuff that he saves for repeated arguments) You know, that I have cheated on him, which is a complete lie. Or, that I have been spending money behind his back, again a complete lie.

He will accuse me of looking at the neighbor in a provocative manner. He will bring up a guy I was dating years ago when the two of us first met. He will accuse me of sleeping with co-workers.

Basically, when he is thru trashing me, I will want to die. At this point it is not much of a push to bring me to that point anyway. As it now stands, I am not self harming directly… What I am doing instead is making myself available to harm by others. I have stopped locking the office building when I am here by myself. I no longer lock my car doors or even wear a seat belt. The house is basically left wide open.

I purposely antagonise people who piss me off hoping one of them will just ‘do something.’

Fuck, I just don’t care.

Back to my husband…

My other choice is to put my crappy fake smile on and again ACT like everything is ok. Pretend that I am oblivious to his lies and wait for another manic wave to lift me out of the shit hole in which I am now dwelling.  

I don’t drink often… but, tonight I am going home and getting plowed

Ha, I just looked at the title that I picked and realized that I was going to write about something completely different.

I suppose I could add: I don’t trust him! (now the title does not need to be changed)


1. patientanonymous - January 15, 2008

Hi, I thought I’d come by. You left a comment…but you didn’t. You just showed up and didn’t post anything. I thought it was maybe an error, like you hit send before typing but… Maybe I’m wrong here but did you want me to come by? Maybe that’s a huge ego statement on my part and if so, I completely apologize.

Wow. This sounds incredibly tough. It reminds me of my sister’s relationship with her ex-husband. He used to accuse her of very similar things!

I don’t know anything about your husband. My sister’s ex-husband was an alcoholic. He was very emotionally abusive.

Does your husband have any of these problems? Is he mentally ill?
Does he do this often? You said “repeated arguments.”

No doubt this is having an effect on you! Please, please try and be careful with your own welfare and with yourself. I know it is hard when people start “attacking” you or treating you in very harsh ways. It can hurt you and wound you so deeply.

Being a continuing issue, have you thought about any kind of therapy for the both of you? I know that is rather a long term suggestion and you need to deal in the here and now–what to do tonight.

I’m really not sure what to say. Again, having it happen before, what have the outcomes been then? What does your “gut” say right now? What are your instincts telling you? I know it is probably very hard to think clearly at the moment, however.

Think about YOU and your own mental health right now if you can. Would having a big blow out destabilize you and would that be more detrimental than just letting things blow over and yes, putting on the “sane face” as we all do so often? If you do the latter, would you then be able to talk to him if he settles down?

Again, I don’t know what to say here…I’m just trying to come up with something!


2. patientanonymous - January 15, 2008

Just to add…email me if you want to talk, okay? The door’s always open…

3. Artemis - January 27, 2008

Wow. I have very low days, myself, but reading posts like these remind me of exactly why I am putting myself through the hell that is my divorce.

If nothing else, I don’t have to faced make that choice to “fake or fight” when I come home from work.

Emotional abuse is devastating. But you are stronger than you think…

Best wishes to you.

4. only4now - January 28, 2008

Hugs to both of you. Sorry so short… just getting back to a clear head. But thanks for being here.

5. only4now - January 28, 2008

Hey Artemis ~ I need to set up a new blogger account so that I can post on your blog. Just wanted to say that the “Winter” poem was a riot! Thanks for the laugh!

6. Michael Tim - February 28, 2009

I love your site!

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Trust | My Heart

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