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I am here… February 19, 2008

Posted by only4now in alive, Depression, doubts, Optimism.

Sort of… at least I think I am here. I am a bit fuzzy. Week two back on my meds. That is a good thing. I was spiralling out of control and refusing to help myself.

The harder I tried to laugh on the outside and joke with people, the more I cried on the inside.

Anyway, I am levelling off, I think. Personally, I feel 150mg of Effexor is too strong for me.

 But, I am giving it another shot.

Who Decides? January 10, 2008

Posted by only4now in alive, Discipline, Layers of me, metaphor, normal, Optimism, rambling, Random thoughts, remodeling, repair.
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What is ‘normal’? Is it as simple as black and white? We all know there are gray areas. But, how much gray is allowed to creep into one’s mind before the individual is labelled as abnormal?

Who set the standard in which we are evaluated? How ‘normal’ is/was this person? Basing my thesis (of sorts) on the assumption that there is not an actual perfect individual in which we can compare our own levels of inadequacies, from where are the guidelines coming?

Perhaps I am the perfect specimen (with all my idiosyncrasies) in which all others should be compared. Maybe it is you? Seriously, why not?

No, I don’t honestly think I am relatively close to perfect. But, I still want to know how it is determined what is and is not ‘correct’ in brain wave patterns, in serotonin levels, in quirky behavior?

Deep theological questions running rampant in my mind today. All because an individual caught me talking to myself. I often do this when I am multi-tasking to the max. Verbalizing a list of assignments helps me organize them in my head. Actually, I talk to myself on a regular basis, not so much vocally.

In fact, I find it hard to believe that anyone can get from point A to point B without giving themselves assignments, steps to follow. (talking to yourself – in your head)

When I believe I am alone, I often say what I am thinking aloud. Actually, it is more of a whisper. “Don’t forget to stop at the store on your way home.” (type of comment)

Normal, right?

Well, a co-worker overheard me talking to myself and said, “It’s ok to talk to yourself as long as you don’t answer.”

First of all I think people who interrupt others conversations, even if the conversation is with myself, are rude individuals.

Secondly, why is it not ok to answer yourself? Who decided this is bad? Why am I considered ‘abnormal’ if I have a two-part conversation with myself? I say they are abnormal because they are not creative enough to bring in other characters.

Is this any different from the child who has his imaginary friend? Hmmm… is the child with the imaginary friend a normal or abnormal child, and why? So many questions bouncing around in my head. They never seem to stop, one just leads to 4 more, all on a different tangent.

One day I plan to climb to the top of the proverbial mountain and ask the Sage the all important question. “What the Fuck?”

Deep thinking and conversations with myself are the ‘norm’ when I tune out the world and dig into a project.

Here it is, the metaphor of my life:


My bathroom, a sickly Pepto-Bismo pink, is like my mind. Inside this room I am consumed with the feeling of unease. First glance (before last Friday) is pretty, organized, sweet – just like me. Looking deeper, you see that the floor tiles are coming up at the corners, the paint is masking a garish nightmare, there is a hint of mildew permeating the air.

Like my bathroom, my looks are deceiving. At first glance one would chance to miss the pain, the uncertainty, the sadness, the scars. You might only notice the well pressed clothes, the brushed hair, the impish grin… unless you look deep.

(I should have taken a picture before I began demolishing my bathroom in order to give you the full effects of my comparisons)

I am single-handed-ly getting rid of the annoyances in my bathroom and one day perhaps, the annoyances in my mind.

Destroying my room, one layer at a time, is empowering. Pulling up layer after layer of old linoleum, I am ridding the room of the trapped mold. The busted knuckles, the slivers, the bruise on my knee are all trophies, badges of honor.

I can do this! I swear, I feel so alive. Every muscle is aching… But, I am alive!

Here are a few pictures of the step by step project to-date. There is still alot of work to do. Every day I go home and force myself to face another part of the project.

 Pulled the base boards and almost complete with pulling the three layers of linoleum. Look at the whacked-out wallpaper that was under the base boards. I saved a piece of the wall paper as a memento.   

When I pulled the linoleum the particle board underneath was rotted around the bathtub. So, I pulled out my trusty tools (hammer, screwdriver and knife) and pryed and beat the daylights out of the old flooring, until it wielded to my command. Ha, I rule supreme over the disgusting materials.

The tile was much easier to cut and put in place than the old floor was to remove. This picture is before I applied the caulking. Notice, I layed the pieces a bit off-center, just like me. 😉

Tonight I will remove more of the old wall paper. If I have the energy, I hope to begin painting over the weekend. Who knows, I may be able to put my toilet back in sometime next week!  Right now, my toilet is resting in the shower. My neighbor thinks a perfect bathroom would have the toilet in the shower, allowing you to take care of two functions at the same time.

I would patent the S & S (shit and shower) but fear it would never catch on with those who claim to be ‘normal’.

New Years ~yada-yada-yada January 2, 2008

Posted by only4now in Endorphins, Laughter, New years resolutions, Optimism.
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I am not going to lie and tell anyone that I made any resolutions. I have made some ‘decisions’ to better my life. I know that ‘resolve’ and ‘decide’ are similar, but they are indeed different.

Resolve is merely a statement of formal intent (intent being the key word) Whereas decide is to arrive at a solution.  The first offers an excuse for failure before beginning as it is just a connotation to be tossed aside (as is the fashion with resolutions).

And a decision shows determination to actually come to a conclusion.

I know it can all be conceived as a play on words… But, I am decisive. I have power to win over the weakness in my mind. (sounds good right?)

I am exercising. Not to get back into the tiny little clothes I wore way back when. Nor am I exercising to look ‘hot’ with the Spring season just around the corner.

I am  exercising because the endorphin release gives off an amazing high.  I might even look into some of the other claimed endorphin sources… Chocolate, laughter, hot peppers, and even sex.

Yes, this years ‘decisions’ will be manageable!

Adding some Color December 21, 2007

Posted by only4now in alive, color, Optimism, Random thoughts.
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I love this picture! The fog with hints of light peaking thru. So many places to escape, to be invisible to those around me. It has a damp chill, enough to remind me I am alive. Sitting here, I can almost smell the dampness in the leaves at my feet. Feel the mist of the fog against my cheek.

While I find comfort in the picture, I also feel a sadness. I was trying to put my finger on it… and have decided, that much like my life, the picture needs color.

I need color.


It has been too long since I last walked to the pond and fed the ducks. Sitting in my fog, I am missing the beauty of life around me.

This will be my first of what I hope will be a weekly post, in which I find three reasons why I am happy to be alive. (It cannot be that hard, right?) Here it is, in no particular order:

1.) Peanut butter cookies – being awake at 3 in the morning and mixing flour, sugar, eggs, and peanut butter together… Creating a masterpiece when everyone else is still asleep. This is a very good reason to be alive. Feeling the dough form between my fingers, slightly sticky, testing a few bites as I go… I am not sure, but I doubt I could make cookies if I were dead… A fair assumption.

2.) Hearing my son’s voice on the phone – Even knowing he will chide me about my taste in music, movies, clothes, football teams… I love that young man. I love the way he debates me with conviction. I love his independence. I love his giant heart and the way he can send me a hug right over the phone.

 ……….. ok, this is tough……. There must be many more reasons… I need to look deeper…

3.) I am getting 4 days off from work. That alone should make a person happy to be alive. Going to San Diego and watching the Chargers football game… I love to fly. The feeling of being free from the pulls of day to day life. The slight twinge of concern when bouncing in turbulence. The new challenges I face with each step I am taking away from my comfort zone. Scared, yet excited… Alive.   

The Sun is Shining December 18, 2007

Posted by only4now in Optimism.
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The skies are gray, the air is damp, the temperature has a slight chill; just enough components to leave a hint of gloom in the air.

Yet, it is not affecting me this morning. I am in a “Halo of Happy.”

Not sure what it is … certainly not the holiday madness. The intense craziness that engulfs the month of December I try to avoid at all costs. Too much noise, too much commotion, too much spending, too much rushing, too many people…. It is all too much!

Yet today, I am happy, almost to the point of feeling giddy!

Perhaps it is the upcoming four day weekend. Perhaps it is going out of town for a while.

I am not sure what has pulled me out of the gloom and doom, but the end result is fantastic!   I need to find a way to bottle some of this and open the reserve when I am suffocating.

Of course a more logical solution would be to find the cause of my highs and lows and work thru the issues. Today, however, I am going to bask in the glow.

Who knows? I may even treat myself to a guilty pleasure. Hmmmm… a donut chased down with a quart of eggnog just might do it.

I can do this. But, please do not let someone ruin it by turning on the dreadful Santa songs.