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I Guess He is Alive May 21, 2008

Posted by only4now in Depression, doubts, Pain.

I pick up my phone and check the date that he called me last:Febuary 03 at 9:28pm. He seemed to be in a fairly good mood… But he chastised me for not calling him for so long. He told me that I had let him down. It sounded like he was ribbing me. I must have missed the pain he was feeling.

Since then, I have tried numerous times to call him and he lets it roll to his voice mail…

It is not that I purposesly waited to call him before. I had to make myself set the phone down on many occasions. I felt like I was smothering him. No grown child needs to hear from his Mom all the time.

He was supposed to come visit in February. He was supposed to come live with me in March…. But, he no longer takes my calls. He no longer answers my emails…

I want him to know that I love and miss him so much that my heart is ripping from me…

I need him to know how important he is to me… How much his happiness means to me…

I don’t care if he lives here. Did I pressure him too much to move home? Is he still suffering from the nightmares of his past?

I would give EVERYTHING to go back and erase the things that have hurt him so deeply.

But for now, I will continue to see that he has opened my emails… and I will know he is alive.

…And I will keep it together… Just in case one day he needs me again.